#the brutal pipe-murdering bitch

[linnytheseagull]

Elias "Gaslight Gatekeep Girlboss" Bouchard. Jonah "Mansplain Manipulate Manwhore" Magnus. The original cunt <3

[empty-blog-for-lurking]

So i finally listened to The Magnus Protocol and uhh holy shit, yall mind if i

[The contents of this post has been deleted]

[thebookofthefaeries]

It's Peter's third eighth divorce gift for Elias

funniest art interaction i’ve ever seen

[captaincrazycreative]

I know we all love to compare Lena to Elias being the "obviously sinister boss" of the group, and truthfully it is the easiest comparison to make, but for one these ARE new characters. In Sam you can see bits of s2 John, early seasons Martin, Sasha in all her bad horror movie protagonist glory, but he's ultimately a new character distinct from anyone in archives and I wouldn't want him to be anything else,

but also in many ways Lena is the anti-Elias.

You've got Elias playing the long game, keeping all his cards close to his chest until the time is right. Scheming from the shadows for hundreds of years, keeping everyone in the archives under his thumb and leading them all towards their inevitable fate through his manipulation, and he SUCCEEDED.

Then on the other hand you've got Lena who in the first ten episodes has

-spent her first appearance getting openly undermined by all her employees in front of the new guy

-immediety loses control of the situation and has to cave and let them leave the work party with a weak-well at least don't stay out too late k? 😢

-tries to win over her employees with day old, store bought sweets. It is implied this is a frequent occurrence

-failed to shoot the guy her employers put a hit out on while they were both in the same room

-gets successfully black-mailed by one of her employees

Basically all this to say this bitch is getting brutally pipe murdered before the end of the series.

She can't even get her employees to respect her. You really think she's getting used as a successful conduit for a cosmic fear entity?

[your-local-wine-aunt]

since i made the rqg one here is

✨Magnus archives drinking game✨

take a shot every time

”statement begins”

sounds of distress (whimpers, moans, screaming)

[extended sounds of brutal pipe murder]

an avatar is trying to kill jon

SUPPLEMENTAL

elias is being a bitch

anyone audibly hates jon (😭)

martin is being a pathetic man (said with love)

martin is being a BAMF

a statement is read by gertrude

[pleasured exhalation]

a leitner book is mentioned

any of the michaels™️ is mentioned

jonathan sims is being a skeptic

jonathan sims is being a hypocrite

”there is a wasps nest in my attic”

a tape recorder turns on, on it’s own accord

”the magnus archives is a podcast distributed by rusty quill and licensed under a creative commons attribution non-commercial sharealike 4.0 international license”

you can add more in the tags if you want:)

again remember to drink responsibly and this was made for funsies!

[octever]

Thanks, the aro denial can be very real if you’re heterosexual like me.

shout out to heterosexual aromantics btw. shout out to straight aros. to the het-aros, as i like to call em because im a bit silly and i think it sounds fun. but yeah. shouts outs to u guys u guys seem rlly cool and chill

[nezumithewriter]

season three of the magnus archives was fucking awesome

ep 81: "guess who got framed for murder" "anyways my childhood was fucked up"

ep 82: "it was a little bloody and i didn't like daisy" - my mother

ep 83: "JON? There's a weird letter in the mailbox for you. Says.. uh... 'statement of'" jon crashing through the wall with tape recorder sfx

ep 84: I GOT A JOB AT THE MAGNUS INSTITUTE?!? (I'M INEXTRICABLY TIED TO A BEING BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION)

ep 85: The man was there but also wasn't, fuck you want from me?

ep 86: Holy fuck i love melanie king i can't think of a funny 3am joke for this one except i can WORKING MY JOB AT THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES (READ A PAPER ABOUT CHILDHOOD TRAUMA) (MY COWORKERS NEED THERAPY) but seriously i love melanie king so much i need her to get out of there and to safety

ep 87: the Stranger watching this plumber with adhd swag walk in, fix their pipes, and leave despite all of the dead people's faces being cut off around him

ep 88: DIG.

ep 89: girlboss explains her fire fetish to concerned eldritch entity in training, oh and also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ep 90: dude calm the fuck down they're just doing some reps on the high bar so what if they have no eyes it's fine dude why are you running

ep 91: Daisy Tonner kills mr. blue sky

ep 92: Elias really said "acab, also i killed gertrude and leitner lol. we're at war with a dozen or so eldritch abominations"

ep 93: Jonathan Sims explains the magnus archives lore to his friends after reading a statement about the corruption from terraria

ep 94: "the monster stole all of my 'give a damn' many years ago"

ep 95: Basira reading her alchemy book two feet away while Martin has a crisis over the fact he can feel the emotions of the statement giver when recording

ep 96: Jon and Daisy do a silly and commit a crime or two (broke and entered, murdered a mandela catalogue alternate, etc)

ep 97: "Are you going to kill me?" "What?? No!!!" "..." "well not rn!!!"

ep 98: "Are you worried about getting fired?" Melanie on her way to commit attempted murder

ep 99: Jonathan Sims gets kidnapped by the clown police (ASMR)

ep 100: can't believe we got The Spiral, The Desolation, The Web, the Dark/Buried, the Lonely in the same episode. the statements were so well done and the were clear and precise

ep 101: "why is the door locked" michael, 2 seconds before helen has a gamer's rise up moment

ep 102: knives, beetle wives, french, oh my!

ep 103: jon really said "fuck it we ball" and decided to use his eldritch powers to be petty

ep 104: "Tim! I might be an eldritch monster but that was unacceptable!"

ep 105: "你说中文?" "no i don't speak chinese"

ep 106: FUCK YOU ELIAS (GONE WRONG) (I WANT THIS BITCH DEAD)

ep 107: JON EATS THE STATEMENTS AND ALSO TREVOR AND JULIA ARE THERE THIS IS THE FIRST EPISODE WHERE I FELT INCREDIBLY EXCITED IS THIS WHAT MCU FANS FELT LIKE ENDGAME

ep 108: "Was he… woOoOo?" -- Basira Hussain, 2017

ep 109: FNAF but with three screaming corpses and a guy

ep 110: trans cinematographer deconstructs the film industry (and mr spider is there too)

ep 111: Jon interviews an emo book (real)

ep 112: #1 Victory Royale

ep 113: "STOP-- touching the plastic explosive"

ep 114: daisy and tim getting happy over the prospect of exploding a circus

ep 115: delicious, finally some good fucking food

ep 116: fuck your dance in particular *CANNON SFX*

ep 117: "hope we don't die!" vs tim and daisy's "fuck it we ball"

ep 118: Martin gets to commit arson-- FUCK YOU ELIAS FUCK YOU ELIAS FUCK YOU ELIAS FU

ep 119: genuinely one of the coolest episodes i've ever listened to due in part to the fact that i was just as confused as the characters (i listened without a transcript). The ways the stranger fucks with the archives team while they're slowly going insane from how much they've forgotten and no longer understand is phenomenal. I'm gonna miss Tim.

ep 120: world's weirdest clipshow that ends with police brutality

[mthollowell-writes]

Beach Fronts & Pipe Dreams Days of Horror Day 3: Riddle

(TW: Murder, Blood, Mutilation, and Some Serious Swearing)

Detective Warner shined a light down the rusted pipe. It was part of the old system of drainage pipes that guided sewage and excess storm water to this beach front on the edge of the city. It fell out of use several decades ago, this exposed bit left to slowly decay in the sun. It flaked red and green as Jake brushed the end with his fingertips. Just looking at the thing made him feel like he needed a tetanus shot. The opening was small. According to the tape, the pipe measured barely 2 feet wide. It was hard to believe a body was stuffed inside here. But that was the reality of it. A couple of kids found it early this morning while scaling the rocks. The smell drew them in first. Even hours later, with the body laid a mile down on the sand, it was overwhelming. According to the little girl of the pair, she saw the bloated hand sticking out from the pipe as if reaching for the morning sun. She couldn’t have been more than 11, about the same age as his little girl.

Extraction for the forensic team must’ve been a bitch, but extract they did. Warner took in all the details he could. The pipe was narrower up close. Any evidence on the ground would’ve been washed away by yesterday’s storm and the fickle high tide. He clicked off his light. “Show me the body.” Their unlucky John Doe was splayed out on a blue tarp on the beach. His legs were laid closest to Warner, with both exposed feet broken forever at an odd angle. If they were to stand him up, he’d be on his tippy toes. His victim was then cut cleanly at the waist, his guts drained of blood but purple with putrefaction. Maggots were making a good home there. As Werner squinted at the cut, his insides crawled with them. His torso was riddled with at least 20 stab wounds from shoulder to navel. More curious was the the head. Or rather, the decided lack of one. Both it and his left arm were missing, likely to slow down identification. With all these injuries, it was unclear whether the decapitation was peri and post mortem. If the stab wounds didn’t kill him, the moment that cut came down on his neck surely did. The body was drained of its blood and obviously moved. He was killed elsewhere. Likely somewhere secluded where the killer could dismantle their victim without too many questions from neighbors. Warner could only guess. Without an ID, everything was speculation. What couldn’t be disputed was the brutality of this murder. There was also something a touch ritualistic about it. Why break his ankles in such an odd angle? Why not take both arms after going through the effort of cutting them off? “You poor bastard,” Jake muttered to himself. “What the hell happened to you?” “That’s your job to figure out, detective,” Lillian, the head forensic tech said as she held out an evidence bag with a piece of paper inside. “Found this in John Doe’s pockets.” “Huh.” It was funny that the sick fuck that tore him apart had the decency to keep the victim’s pants on him. They were once a decent pair of gray khakis. Now they were forever stained in his blood. Guess the killer didn’t want to traumatize the kiddos anymore with indecent exposure, god forbid. Warner sighed and held up the bag towards the setting orange sun. He had a longer night ahead of him. The paper was something ripped out of lined notebook. On it was a note scrawled erratically in black ink. Riddle’s Three Search the forgotten refinery and you’ll find me Warner swore. Lillian kept her gaze steady on his. “What do you think it means?” “We might have a serial killer.” He glared at the note. “And this may be a clue to where their other victim is.”

[abyssal-cryptid]

"That'll be our Gerard" GOD THIS LINE IT MAKES ME TEAR UP. THE TENDERNESS JON SAYS IT WITH!!

I love this episode I hate Jurgen Leitner. That one rant you know it rings in my head as I listen to him talking about himself. Dumb bitch. I hate him. Arrogant rich fuck. Careless rotten bastard ruining lives.

You can tell he doesnt want to talk but he is in the Eye's domain. Is his desire to obtain the books and arrogance to research them linking him with the Eye. The knowledge you seek destroying everything you hold dear etc etc etc.

"These powers, what are they?" HE IS LEARNING ABOUT THE ENTITIES FINALLY!!!!

It's so wildly chilling to hear even knowing about them. The ant analogy. God its so good and fitting. This episode man. Jon is getting it fast he draws from the Eye here Ive decided so.

"Did you kill Gertrude"

"No"

"Then who did"

"I believe it was Elias"

"This place belongs to one of them doesnt it. The Eye"

"You belong to it too"

THIS DIALOGUE. HE IS FINALLY GETTING IT. The terror of realising all that. The panic. The need to flee.

And enter Elias Bouchard. Evil little bastard. Has been watching I know he has been watching. Or trying to. The voice actor does such a good job of sounding evil. Slimy evil little rat I love him.

[Extended sounds of brutal pipe murder]

[shejustcalledmeafish]

ao3 wrapped: #6, 9, and 30! 😈

6. Favorite title you used

Dhdhdhdh I think it has to be Brief Sound of Accidental Wood Assault because it’s So Stupid; I really said take [extended sounds of brutal pipe murder] and make it both stupider and sexier

7. Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

Of course it has to be our beloved tres horny bastards (Jack/John/Ianto), although the John/Suzie I wrote was very sexy dynamically

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

@the-mimse also asked this one very inconveniently lmao, but I’d have to say that I actually fucking wrote a kinkwhump every day all month and I only cheated just a tiny bit like damn bitch go me

[yandepostal-fanfic]

YandePOSTAL - Chapter 0 "Prologue"

First Blood

“Damnit, he's dead.” said the Young Dude, as he held a bloodstained Pipe in his hand.

“We can work through this, Dude.” Said a Young Woman standing next to Dude. “Even then, I dunno if we had much choice about saving ourselves.”

This young woman was Dude's college Sweetheart, supposedly named Janet Kobayashi. Dude & Janet had just killed a man trying to attack them in an alleyway near an EZ-Mart.

“Are you kidding me?!” Dude exclaimed in slight disbelief. “You're handling this a bit too well, considering we just took a guys life…!”

“Damn it, I don't see you panicking either, Dude!” Janet shouted.

In that moment, both Dude & Janet realized something else they had in common - they both have committed murder before.

The couple sat down back in their car for a smoke that lasted about 15 minutes, until Dude broke the silence.

“I actually killed someone after leaving High-School, trying to protect my dog." Dude confessed. “What about you…?”

“My name isn't Janet Kobayashi…” Janet spoke softly, but very clearly. “It's actually Ayano Aishi.”

“How come you didn't tell me…?” Dude asked, genuinely curious.

“I wanted to start a life here in America, as New as I can make it.” Ayano explained in slight hesitation. “Back in Japan, I've… been through these situations way too many times than I could count.”

Ayano then told Dude her story. Back in her High-school days, Ayano had killed many of her classmates for the affection of her former crush. Eventually after the two graduated, that very young man that Ayano loved had discovered her misdeeds & confronted her through a Bloody, Steel-Swinging duel. Ayano ended up as the last one standing, but it was all too bittersweet - countless classmates whose lives were taken for the Affection of a Young Man that ended up being added to Ayano's brutal body count.

Dude & Ayano held each other tightly for a while before bringing the corpse into their trunk to be cremated elsewhere.

Double Kill - Some Years later

Dude & Ayano had their first Child - a little girl named Emira. On top of that, Dude is having success with his new job at a Radio News Station. As joyous as the occasion was, the couple had underlying worries on their minds - they were apparently being stalked.

Thankfully, Dude had a friend of his visiting to make sure him & his new family were safe. This friend was named John Murray, & he had been Dude's best friend since Elementary School. And for the sake of Extra Safety, Dude also brought his Little Step-Brother from Russia, nicknamed Corkscrew, who looked almost just like Dude, but with Fluffier Hair & a slightly larger forehead. Dude arrives out of the Kitchen & into the Living Room, carrying a plate of homemade Sandwiches with Gruyere & Chicken Katsu.

“Man, I've been wanting to try these for a while!” John says, as a small grin of comfort forms across his face.

Dude sets the plate on the table, as Ayano holds a sleeping Emira closely while John opens a can of Cola. Dude's pet dog, Champ, arrives to beg for a bite of their food, but is at least well behaved enough to sit & wait patiently, albeit whining a little bit here & there.

“Nyet Champ, you can't have Human food!” Corkscrew says to Champ in a thick Russian Accent.

The doorbell then rang. The light mood of the entire house turned into a slowly creeping shadow of dread.

“Dude… you're not expecting anyone else aside from me & Corkscrew, right…?” John shuddered.

“I'm pretty sure I'm not.” Dude responded with vigilance. “Everyone Stay here.”

Dude went for the front door & looked through the peephole. He saw a Stocky blonde woman holding a baseball bat in her Hands & a Katana on her waist - the Handle was wrapped in white leather & red straps, & the tsuba was Gunmetal Black.

“Oh shit…!” Dude gasped while rushing back to the living room. The woman Dude saw at his door was the one stalking him & his Family, known by others as… The Bitch.

“Guys, it's her; that stalking Bitch is here!” Dude exclaimed as he made it back into the living room, desperately catching his breath.

“Oh shit, this is bad.” Ayano shivered as she handed Emira over to John. “John & Corkscrew, keep Emira Safe!”

Suddenly, a sound echoed through the house that made the tension extreme - the front door was kicked down.

“Come on out, Dude~!” The Bitch taunted. “Shit, bring your wife out too, since I know she would love a good Sword Fight, like old times for her!”

“You gotta be fucking kidding me! How does she know who I was?!” Ayano snarls defensively, before turning back to Corkscrew & John. “Nevermind, both of you, hide in the attic with Emira & be ready to run if things get a lot worse.”

Corkscrew & John both rush to the Attic, Emira in Corkscrew's Arms. Ayano rushes to the front door searching for Dude, only to see him on the floor covered in pieces of destroyed door in front of a figure that made Ayano’s blood run cold. Towering above Dude's unconscious body was a Ghoulish Franken-Dragon of a Man in Ragged Clothes with a Foul Odor of Rotten Flesh & Sea Water.

“Did you miss me, classmate?!” Spoke the ghoul in a raspy, devilish hiss - like he was speaking while being waterlogged.

This Revenant was Taro Yamada, Ayano’s former crush & second-to-last victim.

“No��! You're supposed to be dead!” Ayano Shuddered, grasping her sword, ready to attack. Suddenly, The Bitch Grabbed Ayano & kept her restrained from Behind. Ayano struggled to get herself free, but The Bitch’s arms were as unyielding as a crocodile's mouth.

“I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU ALL OVER AGAIN IF YOU LAY A SINGLE ONE OF YOUR ROTTEN CLAWS ON MY HUSBAND!” Ayano screamed in fury. Taro then picks up Dude by his Neck & pierces his skull with the tip of a Claw. “What Husband?” Taro Taunted. “He won't remember a thing.”

Ayano struggles more until she stomps on The Bitch’s Foot, freeing herself & allowing her to charge forward. Taro then catches Ayano mid-charge & Throws her to a wall.

“Stupid Crone!” Taro shouts, as he stabs Ayano's sword into her abdomen, pinning her to the wall.

“You think you could escape to another country, become a mommy, & turn a new leaf?! I won't let you have it.”

Taro then grabs Ayano's face & opens his Mouth, revealing several rows of razor sharp teeth, oozing with venom that looked like Magma. Taro bites Ayano’s neck, as his Glowing orange Venom coursed through her body & solidified her flesh into Stone, turning Ayano into a Statue.

As all of this was going down, Corkscrew & John were in shock. Dude will never remember his dear brothers. Before Corkscrew thought of intervening, his shirt was grabbed by John as the two boys & infant escaped.

—

Corkscrew & John decided to hide at a nearby hotel.

“H-he turned her into a fucking statue, John…!” Corkscrew sobbed, with his shoulders held by John's Arm, with Emira in the other arm. “THAT SUKA & HER MONSTER WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT!”

“CORKSCREW, STOP!” John hollered. “There's nothing we can do - at least right now.”

The two boys looked at the Infant girl, who fell asleep, albeit whimpering & with tears on her face. It was then that John & Corkscrew made a plan for the Many years to come for Emira's Life - they would train Emira to be a fighter & eventually reunite with her family at some point.

[tmaliveposting]

BRUTAL PIPE MURDER!!?

BRUTAL PIPE MURDER!!!!!

BRUTAL!!! PIPE!!!! MURDER!!! FUCK YOU JERGEN LIGHTNER OLD ASS BITCH!!!!! GET PIPE MURDERED!!!!!

Ok this is actually the funniest sounding pipe murder ever??? Hello????

[goopiguess]

Decided to relisten to one of the episodes (ep80. Wanted to hear Jurgen Leitner die) and I heard Jon’s voice and I just. Agh. He sounded so… young. I’ve heard the voice of Jonny Sims plenty, (usually through Jonny d’Ville, seeing as the Mechanisms is over half what I listen to now) and I listened to The Magnus Protocol and heard Chester, lots of theories surrounding that.

But this is the first time I’ve really heard Jonathan Sims, head archivist of the Magnus Institute, since that one time I listened to the episode where Michael dies so that I could listen to his scream. And I wasn’t really listening for Jon, then, so the last time I truly listened to his voice was when I finished TMA.

It. I just want to pull him into a hug. Pat him on the head, ruffle his hair. Tell him everything is going to be alright, even though I know it won’t be. Not for him. Not for the Archivist. Poor baby. He’s just like a cat. And I love cats. And since it’s this episode, he sounds so fucking distressed and it is adorable.

If only Jurgen motherfucking Leitner stupid bitch would shut up HI ELIAS!! I HATE YOU BUT YOU ARE VERY WELCOME RIGHT ABOUT NOW. I actually also missed your voice.

I actually quite LIKE the name Unknowing, actually

THERE IT IS!!!

THE BRUTAL PIPE MURDER

Brilliant job, Elias!

Ew. Jurgen Leitner. Stfu. Quiet your blood, dead boy. Even in death, you cannot stfu up.

HIII JON. awww babygirl

oh… tim. Hi. :(

Don’t be ridiculous, Tim, Martin.

He would never beat Jurgen Leitner to death with a pipe.

[racctt]

this is all so true, but a bit of a counterpoint: season 3 is THE funniest season because its just utterly ridiculous (buckle up for this)

Jon is framed for the murder of an old geezer who was living under the institute for a decade, because Elias brutally murdered him with a pipe. So Jon goes to his ex girlfriends flat, because he apparently has no where else to go. Jon then proceeds to have interviews with celebrities of the avatar world, and gets injured everytime. he interviews world famous Mike Crew, Daisy shows up, kidnaps Jon and fucking kills Mike, and tries to kill Jon. Basira shows up telling Daisy to "put him down" like Jon is a helpless baby animal, and Daisy listens only because Basira simply says "Look at him". Daisy looks at him, and says "Yeah you're right" and Jon tells them Elias is the murdered he thinks. Now the three of them are storming into the institute and Elias is an all seeing bitch so he calls the police letting them know to come in advance like its a party invite. They all confront him and he admits to murdering two people and right before Daisy is about to kill him the police show up just on time and he starts blackmailing Daisy with them. He makes Basira sign an employment form that is basically just a death certificate and now Daisy cant kill him or it'll kill Basira too and shes all Daisy has left to live for. Elias tells the police to go home and they just listen for some reason and leave without question. crazy clown mannequin shows up and Jon is more concerned with her accent rather than the fact shes going to kill him. The Circus kidnaps Jon for a month and they moisturize his skin. Then Michael shows up and decides "i dont want The Circus to kill you, that's no fun! IM going to kill you!" and so Jon is about to be killed by Michael until Helen shows up and fucking kills Michael, saving Jon from him and the circus. Jon then finds out Gertrude and her goth son, Gerard, travelled a lot. so Jon goes on a world tour and then while in america gets kidnapped AGAIN this time by a vampire hunter and his serial killer daughter. Those two happen to have gertrudes goth son's ghost in a book, Jon speaks to him and Gerard says "ill tell you the secrets of the world but you have to kill me" Jon says deal and he is given lots of exposition. Jon then runs back to London and from the help of Gertrudes Goth son, he finds out that possibly the World Ending Gorilla Skin is in her old storage unit. They break in to look for it and instead find a chest full of Explosives. they decide to change their plans. they will not longer use a gorilla skin to defeat the circus, they are just going to blow it up instead. so they travel 3 hours to a wax museum and the circus is throwing a dance party/masquerade ball. and the gang gets trapped? thrown? into it, and are extremely disorientated. they all forget their names and what cigarettes are. basira logics her way out of that space, and daisy eats a man alive and then gets shoved into an endless coffin. Jon is gaslit for 20 minutes (and Jonny is yelled at by his parents for 20 minutes!) Eventually him and Tim bump into eachother and Tim gets ahold of the detonator and vaguely remembers what their mission was. so he makes fun of the clown mannequin and then explodes himself, the circus, and it puts Jon in a 6 month dream coma!

I think once you can look past the melodrama of season 4 it really is peak humor. Jon wakes up from a coma and is immediately overwhelmed by Gay Thoughts for the guy he's been blowing off for the past two years. Martin gets a job budgeting for the new antagonist. Elias goes to prison?? There's this entire plotline of Jon harassing people for eye related reasons in which he goes up to them and tells them his place of employment before proceeding to traumatize them for life. Helen is just. There now. There's literally no plot relevant reason for this other than she thinks it's funny. Elias goes to prison. Peter kills two people for failing to respond to his emails. There's two old villains (present in a grand total of one episode together) who have some sort of immortal pissing contest going on that 90% of listeners just spontaneously decided are gay divorced. Jared Hopworth's "that's what it says on me license." Jon's new bestie is the woman who has tried to murder him on at least two separate occasions. Every single old man avatar apparently has the hots for Martin. Did I mention the fact that Elias goes to prison

[kaoharu]

thinking about EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER

rest in piss this bitch ^^^^

GOOD GOD WHAT HAPPENED HERE

[euclydya]

first three blorbos tpop into your mind :~} -AS

TEE HEE OK <3

T MINUS 3 DAYS TIL PIRATW SHOW RETURNS!!!!!!! OKOKOKOK SO,

I am so mental illness about this man for Reals. I loev his fashion. I lov his vibes. Both before and After he meets Stede. I HOWEVER DO NOT LOVE HOW HE TREATS IZZY AND STEDE'S CREW AND I //sounds of brutal pipe murder// I hope karma gets his ass!!!!!!!! I hope he gets Got in some way that doesn't involve him dying.

Because as much as I Lov Him he is also SSSSOOOOOOOOOOO. SOOOO!!!! MY FUCKING GOD HE IS UNWELL!!!!!!!! V angry man. V V scary also. Absolutely Explosive with anger ain't he. Like sorry your boyfriend of a week broke up with you BRO but don't KILL EVERYONE ABOUT IT??? MY FUCKING GOD????!

But like he looks hot as fuck after he went sicko mode bc of the breakup so he has that going 4 him. u can get it peepaw. sorry who said thatjfjfkskalaodjvmdkdkslsjfnsa

tbis man needs 2 get dicked down. there I said itJFJDKDKFKD

AS MUCH AS we ship him w Ed He also deserves soooo much better. BUDDY your weird friends w benefits boss guy fucking MUTILATED YOU because you got angry at him!!!!!!!! YOU! CAN!! DO!!! BETTER!!!! oh my god! <3.

but also HE'S a little bitch in general too like he also needs to get Got a little bit in s2 and judging by those trailers he fuckin did like what the fuck happened actually dude are you okAY??????? DID ED HAPPEN????! IG WE'LL FIND OUT SOON BUR JESUS CHRIST!

he needs better coping mechanisms. everyone in the show does but Literallyyyy Izzy my guy. GO hang out with stede it might Maybe fix you [it won't. but it's better than hanging out w Ed ok]

I FROGTOT ABOTU STARDEW WHOOPS!!!! WHOOPS OK

Shane Is my husband I married his ass. We had an Autumn wedding. I remember the first day we met I think. I had just fished up a can of soda from the river and then immediately hunted him down and gave it to him bc He's associated w joja cola so mych and he asked why i was giving him my garbage. <3. UQIAKSKDJFZ

he rlly rlly needs therapy and also like im glad canonically he can get therapy!!!!!!! but jesus christ !!!! it's fine thiugh He's my pet husband now I Will Fix Him. I will Fix Him .

i loev and care abt him EO MUCH however He did Force me into adoption a kid [I clicked through the "hey want to adopt?" prompt too fast without even realizing And now I have a creature in my house. I forced it to wear a skull mask though I will be aborting it posthaste As soon as I'm done fucking the wizard it's FINE.] 8/10 man I need 2 get back into stardew so i can neuter him [aka. Bird the kid and then remove the cribs]

↑ the creature wearing the skull. btw